situation270806

I cant believe it's oredi almost the end of August. Time draws closer as he and I will meet again... I do miss him... I realli do. Thou I realli do not know wats on his mind all this while when he is in Brissy. Making me feel as if he doesnt wan this r/s anymore after all that we have been thru.
It hasnt been easy for me, I had to be the secret gf, which I realli hate. Day by day... he adds many friends to his list I would think almost all are girls. Yet I do not know where I stand...

Things were not made simple when Leon came in...
I have no idea why this poor chap seem to like me tat much. The worse part is... all his r/s in the past, he falls for girls who were attached. I asked him if he knew they were in the 1st place. He claims he doesnt. I hope not. I told him in the beginning that I was seeing someone. That I was waiting for him to be home.
He wanted for me to be with him till B comes home in a few mths time. But I cant... This will make me the very person I hate in the 1st place. I do not play both sides.
Time and time again I repeat myself to him... "I will be there for u... as a fren. Be there for me... As a Fren... Be a fren... Know me as a Fren" I just wanted him to know the real me instead of falling for the way I look, to build a stronger foundation base on frenship.

Wat Leon wants is to shower me with love and to hold me and be there for me. He ask me if his wish is that difficult to fullfill.
The problem is... I cant jus allow anyone or even a guy fren to do that. If so... wat are BFs for?

I'm torn for the very 1st time in this new situation. I'm worried that Leon has a cycle of falling for girls who are attached yet it might not be his fault after all. Esp. after wat my mentor has told me. She had a fren who somehow seem to have a family curse. Her fren's mom was the mistress and now... she ends up with a man who is going through a divorce as well. It seems like a cycle.

I'm torn with the fact that I do not where I stand with B. Does he love me in the 1st place?
Now Leon hates himself for falling for a girl who is attached once again. And refuses to see me till he lost his feelings for me. And I've onli met him once.

God has a funny way of presenting problems to people. I think it's a wish or prayer that I made. "Should there be a betrayal... let it be me, as I'm able to control myself but not B" I didnt expect this to happen. However, I still stuck with my words to remain with B coz its the responsible thing to do. I do not just forsake relationships. If thats the case, I could forsake any relationship that comes by when problems arises.
And be the very person I hate in the 1st place and do wrong to my bf.

I guess Leon is there for a reason... be it he is there as a test on my faith... or he is there realli for me.
I made another wish... which is to have a bf/husband who has the Christian faith. Leon izzen, and he was very upset by that as well but Leon doesnt know about this wish I've made.
And B is a Christian...
I do not know where does this lead to. I wish for B to be back. Whether we survive through this... or will I end up single again... I'm clueless.
I cant count on Leon to wait for me as its a selfish thing to do. And he is about to lose faith in being able to find someone to love as this is a vicious cycle.

Time will come and I leave it in God's hands. Please be kind to all of us... I do not wish for anyone to be hurt. Esp. Leon at this moment.

The table seems to turn now...
Leon reminds me very much of Vincent in terms of looks esp.
Vincent is the one I use to have feelings for dearly and it lasted for a few years despite him forsakeing me for 2 unworthy girls who made him lose everything. Yet I was there for him.
At this moment... I seem to be "Vincent" and Leon is "me".
God has a sense of humour which is hard to understand...